More
Hm...
What could I possibly put here...?
lulu's diary
Feeling... 
June 10th, 2024
I was real productive yesterday, doing laundry n watering the plants n even vacuuming. Today I feel kinda meh though... I watered the plants, and i'm now trying to psych myself up for washing my hair, but it's going kinda myeeh....
I often struggle with personal hygiene, and while I try to wear clean clothes as much as possible, I tend to forget to shower n stuff. I try to shower at least once a week, and if it's hot, at least twice. It worked out great when it was hot enough that I broke a sweat every so often, cuz then I felt icky and wanted to wash off anyway. We've been having a cold streak for a while however, so I haven't really been motivated to shower at all... That's an ugly part about depression that people don't really seem to talk about. I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is to get a solid showering routine when you rarely washed as a child, and it shows. People seem so ready to say "well I was extremely suicidal for a long time and still showered every day" as if they speak for everybody with depression. It sucks! 
While I don't have many other symptoms of depression other than the typical lack of interest in stuff and general burnout feeling, I still struggle with hygiene cuz it's just too much work for such a stupid reward. The only real benefit is purely based on how other people see me as gross when I have greasy hair and it would be better for THEM if i'm clean, and like... with depression I literally could not care less about what other people think of me. So because I personally am used to my own scent and can't tell if I'm stinking up the place, I just don't really see a point in showering other than like. not being a nuisance. Eugh. I'll try to do a shower speedrun and get back to moping as fast as possible I guess...
June 5th, 2024
Ohhhhh I didn't realize it's literally my bday tomorrowwww i lost 4 days of time at literally the worst possible moment aauuugghhh 
I hope my parents don't do anything special tomorrow cuz i really lost my interest in celebrating my birthday over the past few years of living away from home... I like spending time with my friends cuz its chill and casual but i hate recieving gifts purely out of obligation when i personally forget other ppls birthdays more than i remember them.
IDK!!!! i feel like this is probably something u could psychoanalyze n be like "ah yes this is a clear symptom of XYZ" but like I DONT CARE!!! ugh idk if i even make sense... maybe i just come off as spoiled and privileged that i can hate spending my birthday with my family but like. if u also have a weird estranged relationship with ur parents despite living with them u probably get it... 
Took a gander at reddit to read other ppls experiences with hating their birthday and half the stuff that came up was from autistic people. i am a parody of myself orz
May 31st, 2024
Oh my goooddddddddddd..... I just got a job application in literally only 3 hours from my deadline to get paid this month. holy shitttt..
I thought I would get at least 3 applications in this month but there were literally no jobs anywhere and it was driving me INSANE!!! The job market situation in Sweden these days is so frustrating it's actually awful. I don't even WANT a job until I can get my training done, but I'm struggling to find anything. I can't imagine how hard it is for people who are applying for anything and everything regardless of if they can tolerate the work environment or not. I read one guys experience with it on reddit a few weeks ago and it was really depressing.
At least I get money now for being such a good little critter and doing literally like nothing all month except apply for 2 jobs..?? idk I thought I'd get more to do this month but I had nothing planned it seems... 
OOH while taking a break from job searching, I made a myspace Spacehey account! or... rather, I finally made a proper layout for my already existing account...? I didn't even know I had an account from 3 years ago, but lo and behold my email was already used?? 
I had even filled out a lot of the fields for the profile, so there was enough effort put into it that I definitely SHOULD have remembered it... It's kinda weird how some memories are just completely blanked out from your head sometimes...
I shouldn't be so surprised about it, since I already DO know I struggle with remembering stuff due to dissociating like crazy (and having a really low stress tolerance), but it still scared me a little seeing proof this obvious.
It's also kinda scary just seeing myself from 3 years ago, and realizing how different I am from the person I used to be such few years prior...
January 22nd, 2024
Guh... ...
Got my notice for my loan payments. . ........ I start paying them in february but like... yeek. Don't wanna...
Vacuumed the final part of the house today though 
! ! It took me like 3 days total to vacuum the whole house so idk when I'm doing it again... probs in 2 weeks or so? *shrugs*
That's all folks! I don't wanna talk more.
January 19th, 2024
Hey y'all! Still feeling like myself, although it's getting pretty weak, I'll probably go a bit fuzzy again by tomorrow, or if I get the least bit stressed today.... I'm cool with that though! Way cool!
I got a random call yesterday from a local number, but a guy went "Hello, I am calling from finance-" in broken English and my immediate fight or flight instinct was to hang up ... Looked up the number and I got nothing, so I googled a bit more and found an old reddit thread about it. Something about scammers calling from local numbers to try and trick people into answering. Seeing an overseas number usually makes people ignore it, so I guess they needed new tactics. I hate telemarketing. At least it's pretty easy to figure out they're scammers if they just never call back. If it's something real they'll send a letter or email afterwards, or call again. Hanging up if you're uncertain is usually fine!
I've started drinking tea without sugar, and I'm pretty sure that might be what's helping me feel a bit more energetic the past few days? Some shady diet websites claim that sugar can make you more tired, and I mean... for me at least that checks out! The tea is considerably more yucky now though, but I don't hate it. I think...
I saw that nonkiru started using linux mint recently, and that sent a spark of inspiration to the opposite side of the Earth, and into my little head! I've been grumbling about hating Windows 10 for a looong time, and Windows 11 is even worse... So when I saw nonkiru talk about a "linux mint" and definitely not being a pre-established linux user, I got curious! I spent about an hour or so yesterday doing some research, and so far I think it seems pretty alright. All of my favorite games seem to run alright on linux (I don't actually play all that many to begin with), so that will likely not be an issue. The big thing is just that I really like how mint looks visually. I also feel like the difference between Win7 and mint is less than if I was used to Win10? I'm pretty used to having full control over my PC, and having that ripped away from me with Win10-11 is what put me off from it in the first place, looks aside.
WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! I JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S THEMES??? I'm definitely charmed by this now... It seems a lot of people love to embrace older OS styles! I found a site hosting a whole bunch of themes that mimic the look of other systems, and the Windows 7 one isn't all that bad, but I think the Vista one actually captures what I like about the aero style much better. I'm also tempted to figure out how to make my own, since all the themes I've seen so far have been very... masculine? If I could have a theme with cute little lace borders and heart icons I would. The closest thing I could find was Moebuntu, but that's... a bit too pink...
January 18th, 2024
Feeling like myself again! I'm sure this will only last a short while, but I'm enjoying my time as my good ol' same self 
I got my blood drawn once more this morning, and despite feeling a bit weak, I'm feeling energetic!
I was going to vacuum or do some sort of chores today, but because of how much that tiny bit of bloodloss affects me, I'm taking it easy. I'll vacuum tomorrow instead.
I watched both spiderverse movies last night! I really liked the art direction, and it kinda revived my interest in spiderman from back when I was like... 6? He's the only superhero I can really get into, because he's always really relatable. Miles Morales was a great spiderman candidate, actually. I think him being a highschooler just trying to figure stuff out in a very like... "I'm 15 so I'm basically an adult" type way is really nostalgic. I'm not super into the implied romance with Gwen, because I really don't think they have any chemistry, even in the second movie... 
I didn't love the second movie story-wise, but it was amazing visually! There's so many times I got super excited over all the beautiful shots!! I really recommend watching that one just for the sheer jaw-dropping cinematography. I should really read the spiderman comics...
January 14th, 2024
I think I'm real sick in the head ... I think activity might be a bit slow for a while cuz im struggling a lot with staying... well... "me"? you know how it is...
i'm trying to stay positive about it but it feels kinda bad when i have to really dig around in my head to find the last little shriveled up parts of my personality that remain right now. i'll be better soon, i always come back, but expect pretty slow posting for the next few weeks...... stay truckin... peace... *dies*
January 7th, 2024
Hi everyone... it's been a while... I've been feeling a bit out of it (probably hormones) so I haven't really been confident enough to update anything personal. We're currently snowed in pretty badly, and there's only more snow coming. I've been wanting snacks for a week now, and just when I thought I was saved, dad got the rented car stuck. Fuck my life!! 
Sometimes I have these periods where it's really hard to stay as myself. The worst times are when I'm under a lot of stress and anxiety, so I've been mostly okay for a while, honestly being myself way too long for comfort (I'm so tired...). I tend to avoid thinking about it, because I don't like the other part of me that takes over. He's bad at talking to my friends and keeps getting depressed about it. Although it doesn't feel like it's me experiencing that rejection, the depression tends to leak out and affect me anyway since technically we are just two parts of the same mind.
Most the time we are pretty distinctly seperate from eachother, but lately we've been stuck sharing the controls for a few months, and that's left us pretty smushed together into one dysfunctional person, and we tend to only bring out the worst in eachother. I'm not good at dealing with his depression, and he's not good at dealing with my need for socialization. I even had to put off playing with a friend for a long time yesterday just because I knew it would go absolutely horrible with me barely hanging on.
I know we're supposed to be the same person with a fractured identity, but sometimes it feels better to just pretend I don't know this other part of me as well as he knows me. He's the one pretending to be me all the time, and I rarely have to put myself in his shoes. I know he's suffering and needs a place to thrive, I read it in his own diary, but I'm still on edge when I see him try and fail to fit in with my friends. Maybe I'll write something more solid about this in my deep thoughts, but I'm not sure where to start or what to even include.
January 2nd, 2024
Going to the dentist again today! I forgot to take a proper shower yesterday and I don't have enough time to dry my hair today, so I'm going in greasy ... I can't believe I used to just grease it up all the time in the past, now I feel shameful for having slightly greasy hair when meeting outside people... Funny how you change when the depression wanes a bit! I see the shame as a sign that I'm getting better, so in a way I'm happy for it, even if just a little.
My dad bought different bread for me a while ago, and it feels like eating wet cardboard. The flavor is about the same too. I don't know how people can still bear eating this bread instead of just making their own... It would be cheaper and way tastier, but I guess most people are as lazy as me. I can't believe I grew up eating bread that was worse than this...
It's snowing (kinda) today! It's also pretty foggy since it's not actually below freezing I think. Very wet outside in general... It does seem to be piling up, so I'll get to play in the snow later!! (I won't, it's too cold)
Going to the dentist will be pretty awful though, I'm not exactly proud of how I've been taking care of my teeth (only brushing once a day...), but I hope she won't complain much... I'm also a bit nervous about going because it'll be the first time I meet the actual dentist, and I'll have to do the whole "yes I'm a girl-thing with a masculine name and pronouns. what else is new" shtick again ... They're legally not allowed to ask questions or anything but the off-handed comments get to you after a while. I'm kinda tired of hearing "am I pronouncing that right? (it's in the top 10 most common boy's names)" "so when I write about you in the journals..." "that's an uncommon name! (for a girl)" "oh I wasn't expecting you to look like that! (after completely missing me in the waiting room)" "I'm calling about [name], could you get him for me?" "I just need to double check your SSN real quick... (for the third time)".
It's so annoying I'm considering changing my name to Lulu officially, but then I'll have to tell people how to pronounce it for real instead, and I might not get taken seriously anyway, since it's technically an Arabic name (although for me it's just a nickname) and people tend to let their biases (xenophobia) shine through here. It's also quite babyish and that might make people see me as even more of a child... SIIIGH.
January 1st, 2024
This one's super long, sorry...
Happy new year! It's 2024!! I love even numbered years a lot more, they give off a more calm vibe, even if they're usually worse 
...
Hope you all had a wonderful new years eve and slept well. I barely stayed awake until midnight, and immediately passed out after...
Today is extremely foggy, a very mysterious start to the new year... I had a pretty chill morning, although I'm very anxious now about all the horrors that come with y2k24. Can you believe it's been 24 years since y2k? Wow!!!
As I mentioned in the previous entry, this is the year I start paying off my school loans. Oh boy. This is also the year steam stops working on Windows 7, which means I'm now officially an offline-only gamer. I haven't actually played any games on steam in like half a year though... The only game I'll really miss is Project Zomboid (I play it with my friends sometimes), and Skyrim. I'm a bit pissed they won't even let me play Skyrim (an offline-only game), so I'll have to simply pirate it if I wanna play it again. Sucks to suck, Steam 
. I've been thinking about upgrading to Windows 10, although it might be smarter to go all the way to 11 now, since they're stopping updates to 10 next year anyway.
I'm actually using a non-genuine copy of Win7, which is part of the reason it took me so long to upgrade. I'd have to do a full backup and install everything fresh, which takes way too much effort for me. My hard drive is also pretty puny by modern standards (a whopping 260-ish GB), so I need a new one anyway. I've talked about this before too, but I'm thinking about it again, so you're gonna read about it again!!! 
I'm thinking of getting a simple 2 or 3TB hard drive, since I don't really need anything too big. There's a few 150-ish GB games I wanna play, but definitely not more than like, 2 of them. I'm so used to saving space on my current one that I'm pretty sure I'd never even get close to 1TB, let alone 8 which some people recommended... I can find a cheap 1TB drive for only like 70 bucks, which feels kinda insane to me... I remember when those bad boys cost a ton of money! Now they're cheaper than a pair of shoes!
Anyway, I'll probably have my dad help me install it, even if that's a bit embarrassing... I'm way too scared of fucking up and ruining everything since the last time I upgraded my PC was literally in 2012 or something?? That's when I went from 60GB to a whopping 260, which is now equally small...
Honestly I just wish Win11 had an option to use the old Win7 theme, like how Win7 has the XP theme ... I hate the look of Win10/11, it's so bland and amateurish. I legit look at it and go "oh I could make a website that looks like that", which is... not great! I like complicated looking UI, it's cuter and feels more natural. I'm not a fan of minimalism in design, it feels too soulless!! At least let me add a cute border or something!! Come on!!!
That's something I always loved about Vista and 7, the glass look is SUPER cute!! It's simple enough that you don't get lost, but it's still got enough flair that it actually has some sort of personality that isn't just... Cold, hard, and masculine. I want my PC to be a GIRL!!!
Something that also bothers me is how it doesn't feel offline. The start menu feels more like you just opened a browser, and that irks me big time. I want my PC to feel completely sheltered from the world once I close Discord and Firefox, and Win10/11 both kinda feel... unsheltered. I feel like I'm out in the open... It might be the super clean look they show in examples, but no matter how cute the wallpaper, it'll still look way too clinical for me!!! I know there's mods you can use that'll make it look more like Windows 7, but I'm not all that keen on modding my OS just for visuals, no matter how safe it is.
SIIIGHHHH... Sorry for the absurdly long rant, I'm just really conflicted. I wanna play Baldur's Gate 3 so bad. I love games that let you customize your character, and I've seen people make so many cool characters... I also really love the story I've seen so far, and all the characters (except Astarion, I hate his voice so much...). I'm not used to turn-based games, but I have played Dungeons & Dragons before, so I'm not just interested because of the hype!!!
I actually watched uhhh... Shenpai(?)'s playthrough videos, and I really liked how they played the game a bit silly. It showed me a more non-serious playstyle and how even that's a blast!! Omg... I really want candy rn... hrrnnggg... Anyway, I also really wanna play Final Fantasy 14! I was really hyped for it when it first came out, but didn't have money for the subscription, and once I finally did, it no longer ran on Win7... Tch... That's another game I was drawn to because of the really good character customization! It's obviously a bit more limited, but I love all the races a lot! I am quite bad at big raid-like MMO stuff though, so I'm not sure how much I'd actually like the game... I'll play the free trial for a bit and see how I feel about it. I actually locked myself out of higher levels on Tera because I had the same issue where I hated doing big party events or PVP. I wasn't actually all that good at the game, I just enjoyed grinding a lot.
I think that's where the problem is... I'm never actually all that good at the games I play a bunch of, I just go slow and steady. I'm only really good at games like Skyrim where you can get real good at using a bow, and never even have to face close combat in the first place. This has been my playstyle since Minecraft PVP back in 2013, where I was insanely good at sniping people from a hard to reach vantage point!! 
ANYWAY. Watching a BG3 character creation video. Thriving. The half-elves are so pretty it's insane. I think I'd either play as a tiefling, human, or half-elf... I like the halflings and gnomes too, but their weirdly long arms freak me out. Drow is nice but I don't know all that much about them.
I never know what body to go for, since I'm kinda weirdly in between (plus my identity fluctuates)... I think both female and male characters are really pretty in BG3, so it'll definitely be a tough choice. I don't even know what kinda character I wanna play! I usually just make ones that look good.
I'm torn between what class I like too. In D&D my go-to is bard, since it's flexible and easy (plus you get a cool instrument!), but I've always wanted to try other ones, and I think it'll be easier to get used to them in the context of a videogame.
My big ones I wanna try are bard (as per usual), monk, paladin, ranger, and warlock... Ranger because I like bows, the rest are just because they're cool!!! I suspect I'll just pick whatever looks like it suits the character I end up making.
One thing I'm noticing is that there's no hair that looks even remotely close to my usual hairstyle (literally just really long somewhat straight hair in a middle part??), so I couldn't make myself even if I wanted to
I found a mod that added something similar at least...
December 31st, 2023
Well, that was 2023! I feel like I got way too little stuff done the past 6 months, but I'll make a cute little entry about stuff I did this year anyway!
This year I have:
- Finally completed my highschool studies!
- Applied to colleges and got rejected because the grades weren't enough! (Ouch)
- Turned 22! It was pretty boring actually...
- Went on a journey of self-discovery (was bored out of my mind)!
- Made a Neocities!!!
- Finally got in contact with a psychologist after like... 10 years!
This was all the major (and minor) events that happened this year I think! I didn't really do all that much since I was stressed out of my mind, but for being so stressed I think I'm still proud of what little I got done. I'm especially proud of the extensive self-discoveries I made during the summer... I finally came to terms with having a fractured identity, and began actually researching on how to make myself not feel like absolute garbage about it all the time. It's one of those things that's affected me about as much as when I realized I had autism, and started actually figuring out how I could not burn myself out all the time.
I don't really like talking in depth about my plurality on here, because it's so heavily tied to being traumatized as a child, and with how the disorder is it's still very hard for me to talk about other than the very abstract feelings of it. One day I'd like to be more open about it, but for now you'll just have to deal with me sounding a bit crazy sometimes ...
I feel like I've grown a lot as a person this year, but I still don't know if it's in a good or bad way. I'll simply have to wait and find out!
I hope I get a job or at least enter training soon. I start paying off my debt in January and although I have some money to spare, it won't last more than a half a year I think. That's still a lot of time, so hopefully I can get some sort of income before then...
December 27th, 2023
Had a migraine for a majority of the day today, only really getting better around dinnertime. I had pizza for dinner btw!! 
Been thinking about some stuff lately. I wanna transfer my Leo & Erik playlist to youtube so I can listen to it again... That's honestly the worst thing about not using Spotify anymore... I lost all my playlists (only until I remake them :P)...
Been real hormonal cuz of my period too, but I think most of that left my system along with the migraine, so I'm feeling rejuvinated! Think I'll do that playlist transferring as my last little thing before bed.
December 24th, 2023
Merry Christmas!!! At least, it's Christmas where I live! Since I'm not spending Christmas at my mom's place this year, it's been a pretty average day so far (it's noon as I write this). I had leftover fried shrimp and rice for breakfast, while my parents had a more Christmas-y breakfast... I'm pretty happy I didn't join them because I hate eating breakfast with other people, and I'm not a fan of Christmas foods...
I'm a bit scared about what I might get as a present, because I don't talk a lot about my interest, so it's very much a hit or miss every time... Kinda wish I just got money LOL... I appreciate the gesture though!
Took a horrendous tumble earlier today while making breakfast... Think I scraped my arm but I've been too scared to take a proper look... Schrodinger's arm scrape...
December 23rd, 2023
Feel pretty bad today. Had my psych appointment yesterday and felt like we made no progress at all... I didn't feel like saying anything all of a sudden and the little I could say wasn't making much sense to the psychologist... Sigh... My next appointment is in january so I'll have some time to think about things and prepare some examples of dissociation that she asked for...
Gonna clean the house today, vacuuming the whole first floor at least! I've been putting it off all week cuz of how bad I've been feeling, but I'm glad I set a proper day to do it cuz that helps me motivate myself! Dad bought more vacuum bags earlier this week so at least that's definitely not holding me back...
It'll be the first time I'm really spending time in most of the house, and making enough noise that people KNOW I'm there... It's a bit scary but I think I'll be okay.
December 20th, 2023
Been thinking about how I use Windows 7 lately. Steam stops supporting it in 2024 and that kinda sucked all the joy out of me. I'm real pissed that I won't be able to play games that I PAID FOR and were literally MADE FOR Win7 just because Steam is a piece of shit. To be fair, I should've tried to find my games on other platforms but having them all in one place felt so important... My friend Gum sent me a guide on how to keep using steam after this Windows 7 killer update, but honestly I just can't be assed to try something that isn't even guaranteed to work. If I know Steam right, they'll literally just completely cut off any and all previous versions just to really rub salt in the wound.
I need to upgrade my PC in a lot of ways, too. I need an updated graphics card (my current one is from 2012), and most of all, a bigger hard drive (my current one only does 290 GB). I've somehow convinced myself that I won't upgrade to windows 10 without upgrading the rest of my PC, so despite a home license for Win10 only being about $15 bucks now, I'm gonna need at least a hundred or so, which I really can't dish out until I have an actual income again.
SO. I'm tempted to take up commissions despite not having done proper art in several months now... All I technically need per month is like... Hm... Like around $150? That would cover my psych appointments and my student loans... It seems doable, but considering the fact that I took 3 months to complete my latest (relatively simple) artwork, it feels near impossible to crank out like 5+ commissions a month...
PLUS, I don't even have a following anywhere to promote my commissions anyway?? The largest following I have is like... 20 people on Tumblr, but that's for a non-art related blog... I honestly probably get the most traction here with 100-500 new views a day, and even then I'm pretty sure nobody would really want to pay an artist they know nothing about for an artwork that may or may not be done at a snail's pace... Sigh...
Maybe I'll whip up some icon commission examples or something and set up a payment system... Honestly my biggest issue right now is finding a payment service I feel comfortable using. Paypal sucks, Ko-fi literally just uses Paypal (plus I make so little art in general that I don't even see a reason why someone WOULD donate through that?)... UGGHHHH... I think I'll just doodle a bit today and see what I'm comfortable doing.......
December 18th, 2023
Feel a bit better today, although I still woke up worried. I think I'll feel like this for a while.
I've been worrying about my finances too, my psychologist appointments only cost about 20 bucks a visit, but since I'm going every week it'll quickly add up. I might have to take up commissions again to pay for that...
On another note, I'm supposed to help my friend with her site again! She wanted a change in layout, so I whipped up a concept yesterday, and wrote down the steps for myself in a text document... I finished it at a bit past midnight, and that definitely shows, LOL...
I think it'll turn out great, but it'll take a while to teach her how to do it all...
December 17th, 2023
Still feel bad about my appointment lolz..... its whatever though i dont mind. this entrys gonna be a bit more lowkey cuz im tired n dont wanna care about spelling right, so now u get some unfiltered lulu action!!!!
been thinkin about making an alt site thats like. my childhood scenemo dream... i looked at sum of my old stuff from when i was a kid since ive mostly forgotten my childhood at this point other than some really specific moments, and i really think it wud be fun to honor my most iconic (and highkey most cringy) phase. i think it would be fun to have a little curated scenemo corner on this site, or alternatively making another site altogether if that's allowed (which i think it is? it doesnt say anything against it in the rules)... i think it wud be fun and i have a bunch of graphics for it already that i could use.... if i decide on doing it ill probably do it today cuz u knooow i have all the free time in the world these days lolz
listening to creep by radiohead rn... waving a lighter in my head to it. i love this song so much genuinely... its not my favorite radiohead song its like... seperate from that? i listen to creep like its from a different artist almost. its one of my favorite songs of all time because it really is the teenage girl experience in a song. haters of this narrative can go take a swig of gasoline imho
December 16th, 2023
Went to my second appointment at the psychologist yesterday, and it was really... something?
I decided I wanted to bring up how I feel like more than one person, and I think she's still skeptical about if my trauma even qualifies so far, but to be fair I haven't really felt comfortable telling her all of it. I'm lucky she at least entertained the idea by asking more about it, but I'm not all that hopeful about getting a diagnosis, since the trauma I went through as a child isn't the stereotypical horrible terrible stuff. It was still bad, but I get why a professional who isn't up to date could be skeptical. It doesn't matter much to me if I get a diagnosis or not, but I would be happy if it at least got recognized.
The biggest issue was the fact that it physically hurt to actually get the words out. I know it's my brain trying to keep me safe and protected, but it still made it really difficult for me to try and actually get help so I can get better. I'm full of feelings of regret and worry now, and a lot of it probably comes from the same self-defense kicking in whether I like it or not. It's gonna be a long journey ahead. I'm trying not to be scared, but it's hard. I think some of that fear comes from my most prominent other "part" being scared that he'll disappear.
As a reward, I got myself a bag of candy, that I've pretty much already gobbled up... Got a bunch of hard candies since I really like those, and I've been really happy about getting a treat. I'm eating some of the softer pieces now, although I don't like how they're sticking to my teeth...
Again, I feel like I'm not real.
December 13th, 2023
Been a bit down in the dumps lately... It's probably got to do with hormones as per usual...
Spent a good deal of the past few days going between fiddling with my site, watching Merlin, and reading unhealthy amounts of hurt/comfort fanfics. At least I got my activity report in within deadline this time? Eugh... I've got an appointment with my psychologist on friday, so at least that's.... good? Sigh...
OH! I went through the clothes I retrieved last time, and literally did not find the sweater I was actually looking for. Wtf? Guess it's at my mom's place or something... I miss that sweater :(
It feels weird to see clothes I haven't worn in years. I barely even remember owning them... Found my favorite hoodie that I've had since forever though! It's completely torn and tattered at the cuffs though, so I'm either gonna have to repair them or truly accept the grunge look that I've been rocking for a while now, LOL...
I'll probably have to replace the entire cuff anyway, and I'm not sure I'd be able to find a matching fabric, so maybe I'll just leave it to deteriorate...
I'm having a little looksie at my favorite fabric site and they DO have some cute ones, but I don't know if it's the look I'm going for... I really just want something that's simple and blends in, and if I get ones that don't match the rest of the hoodie I'll probably have to replace the bottom edge as well just so it'll look cohesive... raahh!!
December 10th, 2023
Actually did something productive today! I needed to find my old clothes, like, STAT? because I pretty much only have like 3 sweaters, two of which are wool and stink like hell, so I never wear them.
SO! I had to rummage through the basement to find my boxes of stuff I never got to unpacking... I found a few of them that had clothes, and then also took the opportunity to go retrieve some other boxes as well with random stuff in them. One has my camera and my old school bag, and the other had some books I think?...
Gonna go through the clothes later, though, cuz my arms feel like absolute jelly right now... That's what I get for not exercising enough...
December 7th, 2023
The teas I bought yesterday smell so strongly I'm scared to drink them. My dad's real pissy about strong scents (I honestly think he needs to man up and realize other people can't conform to his needs to the point of changing the food they eat -_-) and I'm lowkey traumatized from him throwing tantrums about it... Whateverrrssszzzz!!!! I need to be allowed to take space in my own damn home sometimes. The kitchen's gonna reek of strawberries for an hour every day.
On another note, I'm playing a game I used to be obsessed with a few years ago again! It's called Horse Isle 3, and it's a really uncanny horse game that's got a HUGE world you're free to explore. It kinda reminds me of old survival minecraft servers? People set up little factions (clubs), or just have their solitary little ranch out in the middle of nowhere... My favorite thing to do when I played it a few years ago was exploring the vast world, and discovering regions nobody had ever stepped foot in... I wanna do that again this time, but it's been a long time, and I fear every corner of the map has already been explored now.
Oh well! My second little goal is to find a good location in a fall forest (the best biome IMO) by a river to set up my permanent ranch. My current one is in the mountains by a lake somewhere south-west of a dark forest cave, claimed by a town called Ad-Astra. If you ever play the game, you might be able to find my tiny little ranch if you journey for a while, although I think the odds of finding my ranch are pretty slim!
My short-term goals are to set up a crafting station so I can make gear for me and my friends, and it's taking FOREVER. Gathering the wood and stone needed doesn't take all that long, but the game gives you an energy bar that slowly recovers over 24 hours. Problem with that is that it takes literally ALL my energy just to get like 200 wood, and most buildings require 250-400 wood. Only way to increase it is to sacrifice a resource that you gather extremely slowly, for a 33% chance at increasing your max energy. It doesn't make it recover faster, just increases the max. How the hell did I play this all those years ago...?
December 6th, 2023
So I had my psychologist's appointment today... It went alright, but it was really hard saying what I wanted to say because my mind just kinda locks up whenever I try to talk about anything personal heehee.... sigh...
I think it's gonna work out pretty well with this psychologist, because she doesn't feel as scary as other ones I've had.
As I predicted it was also a LOT easier understanding what she was saying in person, so I don't think the accent is gonna be an issue thankfully!!
We got two more appointments booked (once a week) and I'm having high hopes. She's recommended we do CBT for my social anxiety, which I think might actually work, and then we're gonna figure out what will help my other issues once they come up again. I think it's better if I don't tell her what I've already figured out on my own, since I want it to be as unbiased as possible, even if that means it'll take longer.
I also bought some different tea! Well... My dad paid for them lol...
But anyway! I got some vanilla and caramel tea, and then a box of good ol' strawberry. They're both some of my favorites, but in reality I honestly wanted to get Lipton's forest fruit tea, but they didn't have any!?!?!?!? WTF!!!
Anyway I think they'll be nice and yummy for the winter season, since my usual lemon is pretty tangy and works better for warmer days. Honestly I just changed it up so I could use less sugar in it, because the lemon tea is pretty bitter, and vanilla + caramel and strawberry are already on the sweeter side...
December 5th, 2023
Dentist time!! I want to kill myself!! I fucking HAAATE going to the dentist because my teeth are majorly fucked up and like... I just hate how they act like oral hygiene isn't the hardest thing to keep consistent when you're mentally ill... UGHHHH... We're leaving in about an hour, so I'm hyping myself up.
I was gonna be a good little human being and properly floss the few weeks leading up to my appointment but TBH. I can't be arsed. Middle finger emoji.
Like, I'm sorry but flossing fucking HURTS and it always does no matter how often I do it because I have weak pathetic gums that LOVE to gush blood like a sprinkler. The day I go "oh boy time to floss!" is the day I get hit by a semi and turn into a fine pink mist.
I've got hiccups too now... what the fuck...
. . .
It is now later in the day! Dentist's appointment went amazingly, the lady that examined my teeth was super sweet n I have good hopes!!
Anyway!!! who cares!!! I'm watching Merlin, and I'm real excited! I've been meaning to watch it since I was a kid and I watched like ONE episode with my mom... I saw it on my dash on Tumblr for a bit, and after watching a video about the origins of "King Arthur", I was finally motivated enough to start watching!!
I'm really hooked on the chemistry between Merlin and Arthur so far, I really love a good enemies to friends storyline... It feels so much more realistic in a way? It's also way more rewarding seeing their friendship bloom.
I may also ship them.
What else would you expect of me...
December 2nd, 2023
It's been a little while.... I've been busy helping a friend set up her site, as well as making a little side project of my own, so I haven't really had the energy to update my own site for a bit.
I'm honestly feeling super anxious lately! This has been yet another month of doing fuck all when it comes to employment things, and I'm starting to feel really ashamed of just sitting around doing nothing all day. I talked to my dad yesterday about setting up a little schedule of weekly chores for me (mostly just cleaning around the house) so that I won't feel so bad about doing nothing. I still don't know what to do about the unemployment services though. I've run out of things to add to my monthly reports, and I still haven't gotten the papers from the psychologist (obviously). It's making every day ruined by the cloud of "sense of impending doom" that anxiety does to a motherfucker... Sigh.
I had some yummy pad thai yesterday! It's my #1 favorite food, I think.
OH! It's also snowed a lot more since my last update. There's currently around 15 centimeters of snow outside (around 6 inches?), and it's been here for a few days now. It still hasn't melted which is like, INSANELY rare here. Usually we don't get snow that sticks around until January.
We're apparently gonna get a really cold winter this year, which isn't great considering the heating barely works in our house... A few power outages happened right when it started getting down to -5 celsius, but now I think we've managed to fix it. I'm still stuck wearing three layers and a blanket while sitting at my computer, though.
November 26th, 2023
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I played minecraft with my friends for a while, but grew too tired mentally to stay, so I did my usual nighttime routine (put on pajamas, brushed my teeth, refilled my water bottle, tucked myself into bed), but I still couldn't sleep. I ended up watching tiktoks for an hour or two, before realizing I still wasn't sleepy. I even read some fanfiction, but the bad writing and interpretations of my favorite characters were frustrating enough that I now felt more awake than ever...
It made me remember the nights I used to spend in my teens, lying awake until the crack of dawn, feeling completely powerless in my inability to sleep. It scared me, to be honest. I was miserable back then and I really don't do well on little sleep, usually preferring to sleep about 10 hours a day.
Eventually I got to sleep, however, after watching a calming video or two. I feel kinda silly for raising the alarm just to fall asleep half an hour later, but that's just life I guess!
November 24th, 2023
ITS SNOWING! OMG!!!
It's the first real snow of the season and it's like, ideal conditions!!! It's cold enough that the snow isnt just immediately vanishing, although sadly it isn't below freezing so it is slowly melting... It's really coming down though and that makes me SO happy. I LOVE snow. SO much.
November 23rd, 2023
Started playing universal paperclips for the first time yesterday and just beat it a while ago! I really love how existential this game makes you feel... It took me a bit over 6 hours to complete my first run, I'm curious to see how long this second one will take!
My parents are currently out doing errands, and they'll be back with sushi for dinner!! I'm real excited about that :D
I was doing puzzles with my friends yesterday and we did a sushi one which made me crave it soooo bad... A lot of coincidences have been happening to me recently, and it's making me feel appreciated by the universe! This makes me want to do a ramble about religion and what it means to me... You'll get why if I ever write it!
I've been stuck in my own head for a whole month now, and it's been wearing me down a bit. I'm not used to actually being myself for extended periods, especially after this summer, during which I spent less than 4 hours a day being myself. I'm supposed to be happy about feeling normal, but all it's doing is generating doubt if I really even struggled with my sense of self to begin with. I'm happy I have a good support system to keep my spirits up, I don't know what I'd do without them.
I've been thinking about getting more into poetry recently, I don't read a lot of it, but sometimes I find a poem or part of one that just speaks so inherently to me that I can feel myself permanently changed by it. I'm scared of posting my own poetry, since I write pretty rarely and haven't really done any serious writing since middle school. I've written a few poems here and there for school work, but I feel like my style is too juvenile while also taking itself too seriously... I think getting into web weaving has helped me feel a bit more comfortable about it though, since I can weave my own little narratives by using the words of people a lot better than me at writing. Maybe I'll post a poem or two, or a web weave here sometime.
November 22nd, 2023
IT'S COLD AS FUCK!!!!!! It's been below 0 celsius all day and I'm freezing my toes off!!! I don't know how I've gaslighted myself into thinking I enjoy the cold when clearly as soon as it gets even the least bit chilly out my body starts shutting down...
Soooo... Anyway.... I've got a dentist appointment literally the day before I'm supposed to be at the psychologist, which is... interesting? I hope they don't decide to do a spontaneous fucking uhhh... wisdom tooth removal or it's gonna be hard to talk about my anxiety LOL...
I'm weirdly hopeful about the psychologist noticing I'm autistic but honestly girlypop might just assume I'm fucked up and traumatized instead (also true). I have good hopes about it though, like, in general.
Hopefully I'm gonna be able to go over the website I'm helping a friend put together with her today! We were gonna do it yesterday, but she was too tired after work so I literally just ordered her to go sleep instead LOL... We're gonna go over some finishing touches on the layout, and I'm gonna teach her how to customize it and how to do some basic HTML so she can actually... y'know... use it?
I think we're gonna have a lot of fun and it's gonna look great!!
November 18th, 2023
I feel like shit today, honestly. I forgot to eat dinner so I was hungry all night, had a nightmare and proceeded to wake up at 4:44AM just to get jumpscared by the hoodie I've got hanging on a clothing hanger by my bed. Thought The Killer™ had escaped my dreams and was here to get me in real life... Sigh.
At least the weather's nice for now, there's a weather warning for high floods later today (doesn't actually concern us since we live up on a big hill), and a gale's hitting tomorrow so we have to make sure the house is fortified and doesn't like... completely blow apart LOL... I don't think there's anything I personally have to do since the building I live in is old and sturdy, but I might help my dad secure the rest of the property if he needs it.
It kinda sucks because just a few days ago we had really heavy rain and we discovered even more leaks, so I'm hoping tomorrow's winds don't come with rain or we're fucked!
November 16th, 2023
Soooo... I fucked up a little... Twice...
Basically I have this report I need to do each month within the 1st and 14th to make sure the unemployment people don't come get my ass, and uh... I forgot to do it? Oopsie!
Also I managed to bang my noggin on the ceiling beam in my room yesterday night, and apparently that dislodged something in my inner ear (right side) and now I get vertigo whenever I tilt my head to the right :')... Sooo... That's interesting!! I'm gonna wait a few days and see if it gets better, but if it's not better within a week I'll head to the doctor... Sigh...
I had some real fun yesterday playing Space Station 13 with my friends! I really like that game... I managed to get my favorite role (bartender) but after like 10 minutes I got eaten by a changeling and I was SO mad LOL... At least they were kind and let me run off as a little hand to continue working!! We couldn't get the game to work for one of my friends though, so I was a little sad about that...
November 14th, 2023
Had my call with the psychologist this morning! She had a pretty strong accent so I had a hard time understanding her, but luckily she didn't react badly when I asked her to repeat some things... We booked an in-person appointment for December and I'm nervous but excited to actually start tackling my social anxiety..!!! Hopefully I'll be able to explain that my general other anxiety is from trauma and can't be treated with CBT, but you know how psychologists are...
My friend sent me an alternative client for Discord to try out since it had a cute aesthetic (very similar to old message programs from the early 2000's), and I like it so far, although it doesn't have gif support so I have to manually click the links/image to see the actual gif move -_-... Whatever... I think it'll be fun to use for a little while at least, since it uses way less performance and by god do I need every shred of CPU + GPU I can scrounge up...
November 12th, 2023
OHHH!!!! I found a short fanfic collection that actually portrays one of my favorite characters in a canon-compliant way today!!! I'm so excited... His personality is very very very distorted by fanon, and it's extremely rare to find a fic that actually feels like... Y'know... The same fucking character? People tend to make him way too smug and flirtatious and like, the smugness I kinda get (he's more snarky in canon but whatever...), but like he's explicitly supposed to be completely disinterested in flirting in canon... I hate how people refuse to properly write for these kinds of characters by actually like... doing something with this very crucial part of canon, and instead decide to just copy-paste the same boring flirtatious bad boy personality on every single character, like, just write a different character for fuck's sake...
ANYWAAAY!!! It was a super yummy delicious fic collection and I will re-read this many times. Don't ask me what it is, it's filthy.
I should probably wash my hair tomorrow... I usually wash my hair on saturdays when my parents go out, since I feel safer taking showers when nobody's home, and can actually, y'know, take my time?... But this time they never went out on saturday so im just sitting here in my grease like a fool. If they go out tomorrow I'll take the opportunity to wash my hair when they're out, but otherwise I'll just do it after dinner I suppose!!
November 11th, 2023
The appointment yesterday was quick and went by without any issues! I just got my blood drawn, so it went by in like... 10 mins of waiting and then took a total 40 seconds once I was in there. Quick and easy! I hope the results are good, I'm assuming they will be but you never know.
Tuesday next week I have a phone appointment as well, but it's with a psychologist so it'll be fine even if I cry during that LOL
It's pretty cold today, I'm bundled up in a blanket, but my hands on the keyboard are still freezing... I should get some fingerless gloves or somehing, but it's hard finding some that don't feel awful on my skin (autism moment). I really feel like I live in an unforgiving environment when winter comes. When it's summertime I can always find some relief in a cold stream or the shadow of a tree, but during winter the cold is unforgiving and penetrating. No matter how much you wrap yourself in warm wool and down-filled coats, the chill will get to you eventually. I still keep my room cold, so I don't forget the nature of this world. I think decieving yourself by keeping your home at an ideal temperature year-round will inevitably come bite you in the ass when you're suddenly stranded without heat and your blankets and sweaters aren't nearly thick enough to keep you safe from the cold.
November 9th, 2023
Another day of doing... Nothing!!!!!!!!!
I'm so bored of being a NEET, I really hope the psych evaluation goes well so I can finally get the stupid assistance I need to get a job/start job training
-_- bleh.
I'm watching Welcome to the N.H.K as I'm writing this... It's okay so far, I'm not really a fan of the main character, he's kind of a... huge creep? LOL... I've heard it's a good anime later on though, so I'm pushing through with gritted teeth until then! I like the girls a lot, there's something off about them that I'm drawn to. I like my girls off-putting and uncanny!
I really want something to do that isn't housework, it's driving me a little crazy having to either do nothing or do chores... I'm tired. I wanna pack orders in a small warehouse or something... Help a little old lady run a bakery... shit like that!!! Working in a nerd-centric bookstore would be great too... Sigh...
November 8th, 2023
I've been thinking about stuff I want recently, since there's stuff that are on my shopping wishlist (boring) and then there's stuff I just kinda crave for some reason... Since not much happened today (I've been taking it easy since yesterday tuckered me out quite a bit), I'll write down my little list instead!!
✿ A comb carved out of bone
✿ A super chunky cardigan with puffy sleeves
✿ A chalice/goblet made from thick glass
✿ A necklace made from unusual beads
✿ An antique chaise longue
November 7th, 2023
Went to the clinic! Cried a little (a lot) but managed to stutter out enough that I got to speak to a nurse, plus apparently I got a phone appointment booked with a psychologist at some point? Very happy for that, and I really really hope it goes well, but that's not until next week.
I've been off my meds over the weekend + 2 days, but they booked me an appointment for as soon as friday morning, which is a little scary. I don't know if the meds will have enough time to re-stabilize my values in just two days... I'm too tired of this to do anything about it though, so I'll just accept it if they decide to increase my dose... The meds have a half-life of a week, so if I'm lucky it'll only be a tiny bit low... We'll see once I get the results! I have been cheating a little with the stuff I eat before a "safe" time limit, so that probably decreased the efficiency of the medication anyway...
Medical stuff aside, now that that's over I feel good again!! I bought some chapstick today too (this time with beeswax and not patroleum jelly, which is legit awful for me LOL)! The one I bought a while ago for when the old one ran out had MENTHOL in it?? So my lips went straight up NUMB with the tingling cold feeling. Not ideal when I mostly use chapstick before bed. I'm THE number one menthol hater.
OH! One of my current favorite bands (Jigsaw Youth) released a new single too! It came out a week or so ago but I first listened to it yesterday I think? It's super good as always! They seem to be pretty underground, but they're really good... Super underrated in my opinion!!! Go listen to them!!
November 5th, 2023
Got my hands on Fashion Dreamer (videogame) yesterday and I've already "cleared" the actual progression part of the game, which is kinda sad. I didn't expect it to be that fast... I tried the online play (it's pseudo-online, like the towns in Splatoon) but honestly though it's cute and I like seeing the outfits people have put together, the feeling of making outfits just so that other people find them cute sucked all the joy out of it for me, so I'll keep playing solo mode, most likely. I got some cute items that would otherwise have taken ages to get my hands on, but ehh... It's not worth it for me.
I'm not excited for my appointment on tuesday, it's pretty much pointless cuz I've been without meds for long enough that it's basically back to square one. I'm gonna have to tell them off for not letting me know that I had to book the appointment myself, and let them know why it took me this long to contact them... I'm not excited for that...
Feeling pretty depressed about everything in general. Not having a great time right now...
November 4th, 2023
Okay I'm real ticked off today, actually. The doctor's office answered me, but in a way that made it physically impossible for me to explain that
1. I'm out of medication
and 2. I couldn't contact them earlier because of my CRIPPLING SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!!
Like, guys, I literally DON'T DO PHONES!!! I CAN'T!!!! It's impossible for me to just book an appointment in a reasonable amount of time because my BRAIN doesn't LET ME!!! ARGH!!!
So anyways... Erm... Hi... It's cold as hell today and- No okay I'm too pissed off about this I'm gonna go full werewolf mode I swear.
Fuck the healthcare system.
November 3rd, 2023
As I'm writing this, the sun is setting! The sky is a bright salmon pink, it's making my whole room glow!!
I spent a majority of today reading the Doukyuusei series, which I had been wanting to do for a while now. I'm not sure how to feel about a lot of it, but the main couple will always be extremely dear to me.
I've been feeling a bit down otherwise, probably because I ran out of medication, and I've yet to hear back from my doctor... Oh well! These things happen, and I've got a good reason too.
I really like looking outside, probably more than being there... I especially like watching the sunset and sunrise, although I haven't seen the sunrise in a long time, I'll get to see it soon, now that the seasons are changing and the days are becoming a lot shorter. The sky has now become a vibrant pinkish red. I feel like today was significant, even if nothing happened.
November 2nd, 2023
The time has come to make the dreaded phone call to my healthcare clinic. My stomach hurt so bad last night I could hardly sleep... I barely have a script to follow but I hope it goes well... Best case I'll get both an appointment for tests for my medication AND an appointment for my anxiety evaluation, but I really doubt it. I'm trying not to get too anxious about it but it's SO HARD!!!! AAAH!!!!
Called them but the system is way too confusing to even comprehend... I REALLY wish there were proper guides step by step on how to do specific things, but there's just nothing. I hate when I have to do something for the first time just by guessing because I always do it wrong and people act like I'm stupid for not getting it right just by pure luck... UGH.
Decided to just send them a "contact me" form and hope for the best that they don't just ask me to call them instead... Sigh... The struggles of having phone anxiety are horrible!!
November 1st, 2023
It's a beautiful autumn day today! The sun is shining bright for the first time in a month and it's bringing hope and joy with it. I've been really anxious for a long time, since I'm struggling with trying to get papers for my social anxiety for employment stuff, and to get those papers I have to... sigh... ignore my social anxiety and call the healthcare clinic. It's a fucked up spiral I'm not really a fan of, to say the least! I've decided to call them tomorrow, since they're updating to a new system today and I don't wanna be stuck in the first wave of people calling them because of it...
I've been considering taking a walk today, but the last time I went outside on my own was... 4 months ago? It's not something I'm proud of, but when you're living without an income in the middle of nowhere, there's not really anything to do or anywhere to go. I've even considered taking up jogging just so I have something to do that doesn't end up with me staying inside all day. I don't even like exercising!
I really want a job, but I don't know what I want to work as... All that's avaliable is stuff that requires extra stuff I don't have, like a drivers license or social skills... or physical strength... maybe taking up jogging would be a good idea after all ehehe...
